I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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