Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
