So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
