Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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