just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
