I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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