when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
