why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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