i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
