last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this beer tastes like vomit already
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
