I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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