She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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