I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
