the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
