my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
