I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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