Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
