Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
