i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
