Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
