drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
sarcasm needs its own font
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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