My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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