he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
