Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
