He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
