fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
