I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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