Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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