Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
