So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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