She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
