I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
