I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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