I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
