Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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