Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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