My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
