Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
