I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
