I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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