she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
