it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
