i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
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The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
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My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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