he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
