Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
