I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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