But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
