I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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