I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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