At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
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STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We were destined to go to rehab together
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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