Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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