I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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