The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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